new developments

Oh man, have we had some crazy recent developments in our lives. Our latest one has been to go into my first doctor appointment and hope to listen to the baby's heartbeat, only to find out that there wasn't one. They brought in the portable ultrasound machine, and showed me the gestational sac. I asked the nurse if she wasn't seeing anything in it, or if I was losing it. She confirmed my fears, and said she wasn't seeing anything either. It either meant I was wrong in my dates, or the pregnancy was not going to continue. I knew I wasn't wrong in my dates, I was 11 weeks when I went in. For her to say the size was about 8 weeks, was very wrong. They left me sitting in the room until the ultrasound tech was free, and brought me in there for an official ultrasound to check the viability of the pregnancy. I layed down on the table and waited for the picture to come up on the screen. What I saw, jolted me to the core. Nothing. There was nothing growing in the sac. There was a yolk sac, or something like that, that showed that the egg was fertilized and attached, but stopped growing at 6 weeks. It was bizarre to me though, I had no idea anything was wrong. I was feeling incredibly nauseated for the last 6 weeks, and was super tired and all the other pregnancy symptoms. I was even starting to show!! For some reason, my body kept growing and expanding like there was a baby in there, when there wasn't. It is really hard. I fully expected to get bigger and more miserable throughout the summer, and barely make it through Halloween, and have a baby sometime in November.
We were really scared and trying to figure out how we were going to care for another little person in our family, but we were excited to try. We were looking at houses and trying to decided based on where we would put the baby. This has changed things dramatically. It was hard to tell the kids that they wouldn't be having a new brother or sister. Rachel is the only one that seems ok with it. She says, now that you are not having a baby, you can still hold me! I have been trying to weigh the options and decided to have a d and c, versus taking the pills that would cause it to happen naturally. So I did that today, and slept for 4 hours after I got home. I actually feel pretty good now, and am just waiting till bedtime. I have restrictions on what I can do and lift, so I can't pack anymore today. I did what I could before the procedure, and have to wait till tomorrow to do anymore.
On a different note, we found out that we didn't get the house we wanted on Lindsay and Southern. We searched for the last week and a half, and couldn't find something that was quite right. Finally, yesterday we found it!! It is on Crismon and Guadalupe, and will save us so much on rent, gas to work and back, utilities being in a smaller house. We are excited, and get to move in next Friday!! Finally, something is going our way. Now we just have to figure out what to do about schools for the kids, and what ward we will be in, and all of that. Yay for us!!

life as we know it

It has been a crazy busy and fun time in our lives. I started working with a company called Primerica, and actually got my first bonus Friday!! Things are going well, but I have definitely added to the stress level in my life. I finish school this week, just a final in one class, and 2 projects in the other. Thank the heavens, I will have my associates degree in general studies!! It has been a long road, taking me 12 years of off and on again schooling, but I did it!!
 I am now just over 10 weeks pregnant, and feeling it already. I have been shaking pretty much since I got pregnant, and can't figure out why. It doesn't matter what or when I eat, I still shake! It's frustrating when I am trying to do something small and meticulous, like painting my toenails or something. I cut myself shaving almost every time. Lame!!
 On another subject, I finished my semester with the EVMCO, and decided I needed to take some time off to be pregnant and have this baby. I am due the week of the Christmas concert, and figured that would be a lot of work and wasted time if I couldn't be in the concert!! It was a hard decision, and it still breaks my heart, but I know it is right for us right now.
We were going through finances last week, and decided we really need to cut costs, especially with a new baby coming along. We are downsizing, and moving to a smaller house with a lower payment. We have put in an application for one on Higley and Southern, and really hope we get it! It is as close to perfect as we can get right now, and is even close to one of my best friends and her family!! We will be in the same ward and our kids will go to the same school. It is gonna be fun.
So now, my life consists of trying to organize and pack, (I don't want to bring crud we don't need), a little bit at a time. I got through 4 boxes today, and I couldn't even stand up, I had no energy, and my heart was racing. I think I have to take it slow, this baby is taking all that I have and more!! I am super stressed with getting the house packed and cleaned in the 3 weeks we are hoping to have until we can get into our new house. In order to get our security deposit back, we need to do a little bit of work on a few areas, and a whole lot of deep cleaning. 4 crazy kids wreak havoc on a house!!
I know we are doing the right thing for our family, but it is hard to leave our friends and ward, which we have really come to love and value!! But, when you start getting comfortable, that's when you need to shake things up, right? It seems to always be that way for us. We have moved 8 times in our 12 years of marriage, and it doesn't look like we are done yet!!

so behind!!!

holy moly, i didn't realize how long it had been since i had updated my blog, or even read other people's!! having facebook and email on my phone limits what i need to do on the computer. i really only get on it to do schoolwork and balance my checkbook. sorry guys, i am a slacker! so for those who don't read facebook or see me a lot, i am PREGNANT!!! if you are shocked, imagine how i felt!! it just couldn't be more ironic, since nathan was on track to do something permanent to prevent future "accidents". i had had problems with every form of birth control over the last few years, so we finally decided we were done with it all. the day before he was scheduled, i was talking to a friend, and realized i couldn't remember my last cycle. that is not good!! i kinda freaked out a little, but figured nothing could really be going on. i had to get a prescription, so i picked up a test while i was there. i came home, and ran upstairs to take the test. normally, i track so closely, that i am only a few weeks when i take a test, and it takes a while to creep across and get to the result. this time, it literally zoomed across, flashing a big dark plus sign!! i about died! this was not planned or expected. we have donated or sold everything needed for a pregnancy or baby. i have one box of a few maternity clothes that i was keeping to sell, since they were the cute ones (thank you heather!!), and that is all i have. i had lost the last few pounds over the last couple of months, so at least i have a few things that are bigger to wear. i was not sick for the first week, and very optimistic. sadly, hitting six weeks meant getting sick. not horribly, just enough to remind me to eat a lot, and not chocolate!! (which makes me so sad!! i love chocolate!!!) i am trying to figure out what to do now, since choir starts back up in august, and our concert is the week of my due date!! do i continue with choir, even though i will most likely have to drop? or do i drop now as a preventative measure? i am really torn. i love the choir, and the amazing music and people. but i was on bed rest with the last 2 pregnancies by 23 weeks. i don't want to jeopardize my health, or the baby's. also, i will be done with school in 3 weeks, finally getting my associates degree in general studies. it only took 12 years! :) well, that is our crazy life!!

random musings number 2

as you all know, that are acquainted with me at all, i am in pain a lot. i have irritable bowel, go to the chiro all the time, get a massage as often as i can afford, have headaches, dizziness, extreme fatigue at random intervals, and a few other things. well, as you also know, facebook is a good place to whine about all these things. i did so, and have for a long time. i have a friend, the mother of my kids friends, that has read these things. she was diagnosed with fibromyalgia a few months ago. upon further investigation, she added things up and told me about all of the things she had learned. then she gave me the shock of my life. she thinks i have it too.

now, if you are like i was, i had only heard of it as a catch all for random pains and unexplained symptoms. i was very unconvinced because i didn't fit the mental picture of that sickly of a person.

i was given a book by this friend that has totally changed my life. i have read the book from cover to cover, and have found myself described on its pages. i didn't realize that all of my wacky symptoms could possibly be related to each other. nathan even agrees with me after just the few things i told him to read. i actually have watched mystery diagnosis for several years, hoping that i would find something that fit with all of the things that bothered me. i never did, and had long since given up hope. i was improving with the dizziness for a few months, but the last 2 months, it has come back. i am just now coming to functionality after a full three days in bed. this book, and it's information has given me hope again for the first time in years. it has brought things to memory that i had forgotten from my childhood, and the way i used to feel. i have a diagnosis, pending all the labs that i had done showing up normal. they always have in the past, so i am not worried about this time being any different. and the better part, not just a diagnosis, but a treatment!! according to this book, guaifinisen, or however you spell it, is the treatment. it reverses all of the storage of the phosphates, which causes the symptoms. so, i am pretty nervous about the whole reversal process, going through all of the misery again. but hopefully, this time, it will be for a purpose, and then, they will be gone forever!!

random musings

i'm sure i have pictures around here somewhere, but with no good camera, they are on my phone. it is very frustrating to get them off of there, but once i finally do, i will post them! i guess i have a lot to catch up on, and will try to do it quickly!

first, my sisters and i got to be in the choir for michael mcclean's forgotten carols, for the 3rd year. i love it, and it is the highlight of the season for me and nathan. then i had a few weeks off of singing, and am now back in the swing of things.

i got a part time job, helping my sister in law's mother, who had a stroke a few months ago. i check her blood sugar, give her a shot and meds, and make her lunch. now, i pick her up from rehab as well. it is a good fit for us right now, since i can bring rachel too.

a few weeks ago, nathan came to me and suggested we go to the temple once a week. in the last year, i think we had been twice, so this would definitely be a change!! but we worked it out with his relief driver to cover for him, and i arranged a babysitter for rachel. we have gone the last 3 weeks, and it has been such a blessing!! the first week was good, nothing special happened. the 2nd, i started getting dizzy that morning, but was not going to have anything stand in my way. i toughed it out, then went home to bed the rest of the day. i was better by the next night, which was earlier than in years past, so i am grateful. then this last week, i woke up knowing that we would be the witness couple in the session that day. don't ask me how, or why, but i did. when i went to drop rachel off, my friend wasn't there! i called everyone in my old ward i could think of, but noone was available. when i was ready to give up, my friend walked up, from taking some of the kids she watches to the bus stop. i got there a few minutes later than planned, and we didn't make it to the session. we were the first ones waiting for the next session, and a few minutes later, while reading the book of mormon, the officiator came and asked us to be the witness couple. i wasn't surprised, and said yes. now, nothing super exciting happened in the session, and i don't know why i was told we would do that job. i kinda think it was to show me that i am in tune enough to the spirit to hear a prompting. who knows. but it was meaningful to me, and helped strengthen my testimony, so i guess it was a good thing!!

on a different subject, i am taking online classes again. 4 this semester, but only 2 for each 8 weeks. so they don't overlap, and hopefully i will be able to handle them!! wish me luck!

family pics and concert

we had our family pictures taken this weekend. they turned out quite well! i was happy!! here are the kiddos
here is me and the boys
dad and the girls
silly and gorgeous girls
our awesome family pic that i enlarged and put on the wall in the living room
our concert was friday and saturday. we got a standing ovation half way through, when the full choir sang together, from the 4 year olds, up to the adults. we don't fit on stage, so the adults were all the way around the hall. it was awesome!! here is tat and i waiting to go on.
gorgeous rebekah, all dolled up and ready to perform.
me and bekah. my good friend rebecca (whose husband is caleb, go figure!!) did our hair, and my makeup. she has been such a blessing!! and her sweet baby doesn't hurt either!!
i'm never happy with pics of myself, but here i am, in all my stage makeup!
i finished my classes yesterday, with a final and a web post. hallelujah!! i've never been so happy to end a semester! now just ten more credits to go.
we put up our christmas tree, and found that half the lights had burned out. same with the outside ones. what is it with lights this year?? so after a quick run to the store, it is looking festive in here. i love christmastime!! nathan doesn't though, it means extra hours away from home, and driving more monotonous routes. we gave ourselves early christmas/anniversary presents, and upgraded our phones to the new iphone 4. we are very excited, and are still figuring them out!!

frustration

man, this has been an uber frustrating time in my life. i have gotten a huge blessing, and had the dizzy spells associated with my headaches subside. it's been over 2 months now, which is AWESOME!! now, if i could just kick the headaches altogether. i had been doing good for a long time, then last saturday, i got hit with one, and it has just come and gone day and night all week. blah. i woke up with it today, worse than ever. i got a blessing from my awesome hubby and father in law, and was able to rest finally, this morning. i've just been frustrated with the whole, not going away, factor. blah.

i am in online classes, and am doing pretty well. i got my geology grade back up, and am happy with it, and my religions class. but this communications class, that is the accelerated, 8 week course. blah. it is kicking my butt. and not because i am having a hard time with the work. i'm not. it is because my teacher lacks the ability to communicate, then penalizes for it. she gives us super detailed instructions, but not very clear. then, when we ask her to clarify, she says it is all in the info we already have!! aaaaaahhh!!! obviously not, or we wouldn't be asking!! i have been working on a group project with 5 other people. everything has been fine, and we turned in our first portion. we got it back, with a zero, because the heading wasn't right. seriously?!?!? i understand the importance of following her directions, but seriously? i am getting a bad grade because a guy in our group forgot to cc everyone's addresses into the top? does that seem asinine to anyone else?? sorry, i needed to vent, i guess. thankfully, we will be done in 2 weeks. then, blessed winter break!!

our concerts are this weekend, and i am super excited. we sound better with every week that goes by, and i thought we were awesome last year. we have grown in ranks, by leaps and bounds. we were almost to 200 last year, and this year we are pushing 250, and most of that is guys!! hallelujah!! rebekah's group has grown tremendously as well, and i love sharing this with her! it is amazing to be part of such an inspiring, amazing organization. i love it!!

well, we survived the black friday shopping madness, and i finished all of our christmas shopping. i love that. and i didn't break the bank, though the kids won't be getting as much as they are used to. i think it is good for them, right? :)